What’s A Bot Got To Do To Get Some Help Around The House?
If you’re like most house-bots, your human master is a mad genius: brilliant, eccentrically coifed, and a total slob. Won’t pick up after himself, leaves his half-closed Force Field Generator Packs everywhere and even forgets to shut down a subliming Nuclear Exotherm-ZP when he gets a phone call!
The hover-home would be nestling on the ruins of Pluto if it weren’t for you. Hey, it’s not easy being high-density polyethydi-3,4-ene. Check out our two handy solutions for keeping the pad clean.
A. Raise an army of clones.
This is a delicate procedure, as, contrary to common belief, clones can and do turn on their hosts. It’s an interesting but little-known fact that the very first hypothesis of this true clone-host relationship was purported by prehistoric man, as documented in the era’s history annals: mainly Cinemat-o-graphics (a wonderful example is the staged documentary “Attack of the Clones”) and pulpy objects known as “buks.” So help your master avoid clone-inflicted annihilation by following these hints:
1. Three days before DNA-harvesting, prepare the Embryonic Growth Pod.
Line it with newspaper. (Expensive to get hold of, but most exotic growth shops should have a limited selection.)
NB. PapeeRusTM is not a recommended substitute.
2. Harvest your master’s DNA when he’s feeling calm, content, and most importantly, loyal.
This increases the likelihood of cultivating the same temperament in his clones.
NB. Be sure to use the synthetic poly-blend Fo-BudTM, as cotton buds have been shown to result in clones disillusioned by the human condition, possibly due to Hyper-Identification Syndrome. (Atk7ns, BIOSCI Vol XI, 4899).
3. Maintain a calm environment during incubation period.
a. Soothing music like 21st century classical – techno composer Carl Cox is always acceptable.
b. Gentle lighting – anything less than 100 gigawatts should be fine.
c. Bedtime stories. Popular choices are “coming of age” tales such as “Are You There, Metaphor That Aids Humans In Making Sense of Chaos? It’s Me, Margaret” or “From Bot to Man-bot.”
It is not advisable that you attempt to sneak clones around behind your human master’s back, despite this method being detailed in the seminal text on biotechnology techniques, “Calvin and Hobbes: Scientific Progress Goes Boink.” (1991) While sure to result in hilarious hijinks and the possibility of the human master disallowing himself to leave his bedroom, clones in this day and age fare far better without the added bio-pressure of falsifying and deceiving. So prepare a little speech when presenting your new clone army to their master. An appropriate one might be: “Surprise! An army of clones!” Humans love surprises.
1. Flick your Emoti-Clip to “Tough Love.” Older models go for “Faux-Mummy.”
2. Now you play the waiting game. Recharge fully all bodily offensive devices (including uranium grenades for older bots!); this will likely take an entire day, so make sure you’ve spent the previous 13 hours giving the place a good clean.
3.Once fully charged, it’s now up to you to follow your intelligent slob of a master around. Zap him every time he leaves Food(tm) out, doesn’t put away botched genetic experiments, or, if you’re a Super-Sado-Bot, repeatedly until he’s crumpled in a little heap at your wheels.
4. A common question we get asked is, WHEN is the correct time to give your master that lecture in waste management? The answer, of course, is: When he asks you defeatedly why you’re zapping him every time you see him, “instead of handing me the Earl Grey I asked for, I might add.”
5. And remember, it’s not enough to punish bad behavior; you must also reward the good. So make it a point to materialize behind him when he performs well. Pat him gently on the upper torso scapula and smile “benevolent”-ly (emoti-clip available online.) Humans love quiet affirmation.
Quick Clean Fixes
Master chronically surly and ill-willed? Or maybe you don’t have the time or resources to maintain twenty copies of him. Here are some fast solutions – but remember, like using a fork to shore up your faulty limb, the quick way isn’t always the RIGHT way.
Make Sunday Cryptobiotic State Day. With your master frozen or otherwise metabolically incapacitated, you’ll be free to do a little intense cleaning.
Steal from him. Steal everything he’s likely to leave lying around in complete disregard for your A Clean Home Is A Happy Home campaign.
Vaporize the place with your master in it. This of course doesn’t help in the long run; you’ve got to learn human-training techniques some time.